I'm Baaaaack!

In case you weren't aware, I love roller derby. Not only for the invigorating feeling I get when I race around the track, or the incredible health benefits from losing weight and getting in shape; but more so from the amazing people that are as equally passionate about being a team player as I am. Not to mention the friendships that are built through a mutual love for the fastest growing sport in the world. Awesome.


Speaking of teams, mine is quite possibly the best ever. The Suicide Shifters are a close knit, uplifting, positively charged group of women that I couldn't be more proud to know, learn from and skate next to. We push each other to improve, we're all intense in our desire to win, and we actually enjoy being around each other outside of the rink. Oh, and there's NO drama at all, which is a huge plus. Currently, we are undefeated with a 2-0 record and for our team in particular, we're making Shifter history in DDD. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing that feels!  


If you haven't been to one of our game yet this season, there's still time! Our next bout is on Saturday, July 14th. Click here to find out more and to purchase tickets. You won't regret it! But beware, it might make you want to put on some skates :)

Happily Ever After

Someone asked me the other day, "What's the secret to your happy marriage?" To which I promptly replied, "Lots of wine and blow jobs". Just kidding...I prefer beer.


There really isn't a secret ingredient to a happy life with your partner. It's equal parts love, respect, compromise, patience and honesty. Throw in a dash of romance and you've got the recipe for happy love. At least for us, this puts the icing on the marriage cake. Why am I using cooking metaphors? I have no idea. I hate to cook.


While I do have the closest thing to a perfect mate any girl could find, there are still days when I want to punch him in the face (or other painful areas), divorce his ass and move to Fiji. I mean, if I'm being completely honest. But that's true about anyone. A spouse, your parents, your children, siblings, best friends...they all tempt us with thoughts of mass destruction; or in some cases, a homicide/suicide. However, the more sane lot of us realize that solves nothing, so alas, we're left with working things out. 


When I say "working things out", I don't mean ignoring the disagreement or altercation and waiting for it to just go away. I interpret the word "work" literally. I'm sure you've heard the ol' adage, "Anything worth having takes lots of hard work"? Well, put down that sugar coated spoon and take a huge dose of reality, because it's so true. I work every day at making my marriage a healthy one. With years of counseling, books read on the subject and over $2,000 worth of classes and workshops; I'm still so far from being the perfect spouse...but at least I'm trying. 


So, here are a few things that we do on a regular basis to keep our marriage a healthy and mutually happy one:


1. Spend quality time together. This may sound simple and obvious, but those of you who have children, jobs, hobbies and separate social lives, this can be very difficult to do sometimes. Turn off the smart phone, put the kids to bed, turn off the TV and just talk. Even if it's just for 15 minutes, the intimacy that's built is important. 


2. Keep a sense of humor. Life has a funny way of intruding on our vision of the perfect day, or date, or even intimate moments. When things don't go exactly as planned, don't overreact and turn into the Incredible Hulk over it. We try to see the funny side of crappy situations, laugh about it and move on.


3. Be forgiving. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not perfect. And neither is my husband. We're two very imperfect human beings trying to perfect our love for one another and sometimes we fail...a lot. I've learned to never sweat the small stuff and to remember that leaving the mayo on the counter every single time is not nearly as important as the emasculation he might feel if I rip him a new one over it. 


4. Romance. Guys, take note here. This is an important one. And I don't mean lavish gifts and fancy dinners (although I'd never turn it down!), it's the simple gestures that mean the most. Andrew and I leave notes for each other around the house quite often which always make me smile. Or hearing a sweet song in the grocery store and dancing with me on the cereal isle. I'm ready for number 5 just thinking about it!


5. SEX. Life gets in the way of this sometimes and it shouldn't. We all know that sex is like oxygen for men, but it's equally as important for women, just in a different way. Not only is it a MUST for a great marriage, it also has other perks like: relieves stress, burns calories and boosts your immune system! So go ahead, get you some. 


I could write an entire book on the things we work on to improve our relationship, but I think this is the foundation of our "happily ever after". The road to marital bliss is always under construction. 

One dirty, little habit at a time.

Today, for the first time in almost 2 months, I've decided to forgo my usual daily nap (more about that later) and sit down to tickle the ivory keys. Yeah, that's usually a piano metaphor but today, it's a Mac metaphor. 


I'm not even sure where to begin as to why I've been so absent from blogging. Well, I've been absent from a lot of things lately. The first and most taxing reason is that I've been invaded by a little, nasty bug called Bronchitis. The word itself doesn't sound so scary, but let me tell you, it's one of the worst illness I've ever experienced. Possibly even worse than having jaw surgery and being sewn shut for 6 weeks. I first started feeling a minor sore throat and cough on March 6th. I hit it hard with my usual armory of natural immune system builders like Vitamin C, Immunoplex, Congaplex and some other hard to pronounce titles for similar home remedies. For the common cold or allergies, this approach usually works. 


Little did I know that my lungs were VERY angry at me and were extremely resistant to my choice of treatment. After suffering for 10 days, I broke down and went to Care Now. The very rushed and slightly condescending doctor said my lungs sounded so horrible that she thought I might have Pneumonia and wanted to do a chest X-ray. She said, "Great news! You don't have Pneumonia. It's just a severe case of Bronchitis!". . . . Oh. Joy. She proceeded to give me a nice little shot in my ass of steroids (I could write an entire blog entry on how horrible this substance is for your body) and gave me a 10 day course of antibiotics. I thought for SURE I'd feel much better in a few days....boy was I wrong. It's been 9 days since I started that treatment and I'm still feeling like a big bowl of crap. I've been sleeping 10-12 hours every night and taking a 1-2 hour nap every day while my child sleeps. I haven't felt this lethargic since pregnancy. And no, I'm not pregnant. I haven't even let my poor husband touch me in a very long time, for obvious reasons. 


More so than feeling like I'm going to cough up a lung and die at any moment, the thing that depresses me the most is the fact that I've missed SO much skating. I haven't skated in over 3 weeks and it's what I cry about the most these days. I feel like I've let my body down, I've let my self-esteem down and of course, my team. Our season is right around the corner (my team plays in May) and this is the time I should be on my skates the most. Instead, the most exercise I'm getting is hopping from my bed to the couch and back several times a day. Holy crap, I'm not sure how much more I can take. If I'm not functioning at at least 70% by Monday, it's back to the doctor I go. Let's see if these drug pushing assholes can give me something that will actually work so I can get back to my life.


On the bright side, I quit smoking 6 weeks ago (this Saturday)!! I'm really proud of this and I'm pretty sure this illness is my body's way of purging out the crap. Or, it could just be a really poorly timed coincidence. Either way, I'm so glad cigarettes no longer have the power over me they did for so long. What a nasty, disgusting, stinky, expensive, dirty little habit. I've been using an app on my phone called SinceIQuit, and it shows me how much money I've saved along the way...at 5 weeks and 5 days, by not smoking 474.98 cigarettes, I've saved $148.24! That's astounding. Go me! Now, if only I could kick my daily caffeine addiction, I'd be all set. 

For the Birthday Girl!

Two years ago today, I gave birth to a 7lb 15oz baby girl named Olivia Rose. After laboring at home until I was 7-8 centimeters, we took the agonizing 15 minute drive to the birthing center to finish the job. Little did I know that in less than 2 hours, my body would do its job and safely bring this sweet baby into the world. And yes, I did it 100% drug free. And yes, it hurt like hell.


It's true what they say. The older you get, the fast time flies by. I'm familiar with Einstein's theory of relativity, but I don't have to be happy about it. Watching your child grow and mature before your eyes is an interesting, wonderful and sad thing all at the same time. It truly feels like yesterday I found out I was pregnant and now she's reciting the alphabet backwards and counting to 10 in 4 different languages. When did all of this happen? It's really hard to comprehend. 


Now I won't lie, motherhood is NOT always a bowl of cheery f*cking cherries. Although it is rewarding and full of wonderful, sweet moments; it's also a whole lot of scream filled cries, impatient demands, extreme sleep deprivation, sticky messes, smelly messes, purposeful defiance, and let's not forget a whole lot of ungrateful whining. And I wouldn't trade a single bit of it for the world. To quote my clever brother Adam, "You chase your dreams, it's what you get". So insightful. 


Happy Birthday sweet Olivia Rose! Your parents love you more than you'll ever understand. That is until you have your own little bundle of stinky joy :)

Shut up and skate!

This past weekend absolutely kicked my ass. And I loved every minute of it! I attended the Certified Derby Training hosted by House of Quad and taught by some amazing, national level derby players. It was both an honor and a privilege to skate amongst 176 other dedicated, passionate derby lovers who were all there for the same reason...to have their ass handed to them while growing in their passion and knowledge for the fastest growing sport in the world. Pure awesomeness.

This camp was 2.5 days of skating, skating and more skating. The first night I fell on my left arm and felt (and heard) my shoulder pop out of socket and back in. That was not pleasant. I thought it was fine and continued to be hit repeatedly by my fellow skaters, when suddenly it began to ache to the point of nausea. Luckily, I'm a great visualizer so I took a break, took a breath, and told myself that I wasn't going to puke. It totally worked. And I almost pooped my pants instead. Not joking.

Although exhausted, battered and bruised, the last day was my favorite. We worked on some agility drills that gave me a few "light bulb" moments. I was able to try and accomplish a hockey stop without falling! I also tuned up my juking and running on toe stops skills which are both imperative in derby. I'm still a long ways from my vision of the type of skater I want to be, but this was an amazing, giant step in the right direction and even though I feel like I got hit by a Semi-truck, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Last night was our first Shifter team practice. Our new coach, Rhino, is a cut-the-crap, no-nonsense, if you're not moving you're wasting time kind of teacher...and I love it. He's loud, he's direct, and he's not there to blow smoke up our asses. I know, some narcissistic people really enjoy smoke enemas, but not this team. When Rhino says skate, we say "how fast?". When Rhino says hit, we hip-check the closest skater and when Rhino says listen, our mouths stop moving and we're all ears. No one is half-assing anything this year and I'm stoked to see how much we improve. Are you hungry? Well you should be because it's time to EAT SHIFTER!!!

Kind over Matter

I recently had a few people tell me that self-talk was a crock, or my favorite, "hocus pocus". Of course, I laughed it off, but it's that type of short-sighted attitude that makes me want to say, "Thanks for confirming your ignorance on the subject and obviously, you need self-talk the most". But alas, I did not. I swallowed my retort in an effort to be kind instead of sarcastic. I know, it's a cold day in hell when I'm able to stifle my sarcasm. I better pack a sweater.

What is it people don't understand about this concept? I would assume it's pretty much common sense to know that a positive attitude always breeds better results than a negative one. It's beyond me as to how anyone could argue that with any sort of valid point. Then again, I do realize what ASSuming does, so I'm trying to cut back.

I received an email from someone I've never met asking if self-talk could help her son who suffers from a disease that allows his nervous system to send false signals of pain to his brain. He has often told his mother that he'd rather spend his life in a wheel chair than to endure the pain that physical therapy brings him. He's 10 years old. Now I'm not a doctor or a phycologist by any means, but if the power of positive messages sent to your brain can actually re-wire the synapses to help me lost weight, skate better or break bad habits, why not for something of this nature? It's worth a shot. I'm going to write a script just for the boy, have my dad record it so that he can listen to a man's voice, and stay positive for a healthy outcome.

This type of situation, if it works, opens doors to all kinds of things that positive self-talk could do. My vision with this is growing every day and I can't wait to see the power of this manifesting itself in other people's lives. To be a part of something greater than myself is an empowering, uplifting feeling that no drug or religion could provide.

So to all the naysayers, I'd just like to say, the next time you're negative on the notion of changing your inner dialogue to help you accomplish your goals, send me your address. I'll put you at the top of the list to receive a free CD.

Men are not hairy women.

Okay ladies, this post is all about men. That's right. Those wonderful, hairy, complicated (but not really and I'll tell you why) creatures that we couldn't live without. Now, I'm no expert on this subject by any means. Hell, I still piss my husband off all of the time. Alas, as different as we are, we're in this world together so we better learn how to like it.


I've only been married for about 5 years (in March) but I'm thankful to say that I've worked my ass off at being happily married. Oh, you didn't realize it was hard work? Well it is. Lots of it. But as with anything else, you reap what you sow. I've put together a list of the top 5 murderous mistakes that I see women commit on men every day. For the few men that might read this post, feel free to comment and correct me if anything I say here is skewed or just plain wrong. I can take it.


1. EMASCULATION 
Now this is a hard one. Even for me. I see a widespread epidemic of women who are taking this whole "feminist" thing a little too far. Of course we should be treated equally and I'm all for the empowerment of women, but that shouldn't come at a price of making men feel inferior. If he makes a mistake, gets lost, leaves the toilet seat up, whatever; don't put him down and make him feel like a child. If there's anything men hate more, I'd like to know what it is. Reassure him that he's your hero no matter what. I promise, you'll be more likely to get what you need in return.


2. INTERRUPTIONS
For any woman reading this, you know what I'm talking about. You ask your man a question and if it takes him longer than 2.4 seconds to answer, you're already piping up with a response for him. Big mistake! From what I've learned, here is how a man's brain works: when he is asked a question, he needs to go the well. He lowers the question in a bucket down to the bottom, fills it up with information, processes this information while it's being raised, figures out how to articulate that to you so he won't piss you off, and finally, returns with his bucket of answers. Give him time. Just because he doesn't respond immediately like you would, doesn't mean he's ignoring you. He's just very precise about what he says. I think that's pretty cool. 


3. SEX
He wants it. Lots of it. However often you think he wants it, double that. It's not just something they like to do, they need it. The same way you need chocolate or french fries dipped in Ranch dressing at that special time of the month. Sex makes men feel desired, loved, strong and on the edge of superhero status. It empowers them and makes them feel like they can take on the world. If their lovin' tanks run low, it becomes harder for them to be productive. Much less give you that warm attention and compliments that are so important to you. So go ahead, service your man. You might be surprised at how lovingly he reciprocates your needs. 


4. MAN CAVE
Okay, this one is also tough for me but I'm slowly getting better at it. Men need uninterrupted time alone. The key word here is uninterrupted. Especially during times of stress. If money is tight, or you've had a fight, or even if he hasn't had sex in a while; men need time to go into their caves and think. Just like going to the well for an answer to give you, this time alone helps him recharge, sort through his emotions (yes, they have them too) and come back to you when he's ready to give you the focus he knows you need from him. Sometimes men aren't the best at expressing when they need this cave time, however, so you sort of need to pay attention to the cues. 


5. MAGIC WORDS
I went to a workshop last year in Austin called, Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women. It was a truly enlightening experience. One of the BEST things I learned there was that there are certain words that will light up any man's face. Not just useful for your partner, but great for brothers, fathers, uncles or any other special man in your life. 
             
 1. Happy - A man loves to hear that he's made you happy. So say it and make sure he knows!
 2. Provider - Tell him what a great provider he is and watch the smile magically appear.
 3. Hero - You're my hero! Telling a man he's your hero is the ultimate confidence booster.
 4. Help - Men love solutions. Let him know his help makes you happy and he'll jump right on it.
 5. Protect - Feeling masculine is so important to their well being. Allow him to protect you. 
 6. Blow Job - This pretty much speaks for itself. What man wouldn't perk up to those words?
 7. Proud - Let him know how proud you are of him and his achievements. Butter in your hands.
 8. Smart - Even if you know the answer, validate him and let him give it. So smart, you are!
 9. Handsome - Duh. No brainer here. We like to feel beautiful, so do they.
10. Masculine - Any time he's reminded that he's a manly man is a good day in his book. 

So there you have it. Just a few things I've learned through the fight to keep my marriage healthy. Again, I'm not claiming to be an expert or to have all of the answers by any means. I just know that this stuff works for me and I've seen it work for other people I care about, too. So go ahead, give your man a pick-me-up and watch how his love for you grows....among other things. When this happens, refer to magic word number 6 :)