Men are not hairy women.

Okay ladies, this post is all about men. That's right. Those wonderful, hairy, complicated (but not really and I'll tell you why) creatures that we couldn't live without. Now, I'm no expert on this subject by any means. Hell, I still piss my husband off all of the time. Alas, as different as we are, we're in this world together so we better learn how to like it.


I've only been married for about 5 years (in March) but I'm thankful to say that I've worked my ass off at being happily married. Oh, you didn't realize it was hard work? Well it is. Lots of it. But as with anything else, you reap what you sow. I've put together a list of the top 5 murderous mistakes that I see women commit on men every day. For the few men that might read this post, feel free to comment and correct me if anything I say here is skewed or just plain wrong. I can take it.


1. EMASCULATION 
Now this is a hard one. Even for me. I see a widespread epidemic of women who are taking this whole "feminist" thing a little too far. Of course we should be treated equally and I'm all for the empowerment of women, but that shouldn't come at a price of making men feel inferior. If he makes a mistake, gets lost, leaves the toilet seat up, whatever; don't put him down and make him feel like a child. If there's anything men hate more, I'd like to know what it is. Reassure him that he's your hero no matter what. I promise, you'll be more likely to get what you need in return.


2. INTERRUPTIONS
For any woman reading this, you know what I'm talking about. You ask your man a question and if it takes him longer than 2.4 seconds to answer, you're already piping up with a response for him. Big mistake! From what I've learned, here is how a man's brain works: when he is asked a question, he needs to go the well. He lowers the question in a bucket down to the bottom, fills it up with information, processes this information while it's being raised, figures out how to articulate that to you so he won't piss you off, and finally, returns with his bucket of answers. Give him time. Just because he doesn't respond immediately like you would, doesn't mean he's ignoring you. He's just very precise about what he says. I think that's pretty cool. 


3. SEX
He wants it. Lots of it. However often you think he wants it, double that. It's not just something they like to do, they need it. The same way you need chocolate or french fries dipped in Ranch dressing at that special time of the month. Sex makes men feel desired, loved, strong and on the edge of superhero status. It empowers them and makes them feel like they can take on the world. If their lovin' tanks run low, it becomes harder for them to be productive. Much less give you that warm attention and compliments that are so important to you. So go ahead, service your man. You might be surprised at how lovingly he reciprocates your needs. 


4. MAN CAVE
Okay, this one is also tough for me but I'm slowly getting better at it. Men need uninterrupted time alone. The key word here is uninterrupted. Especially during times of stress. If money is tight, or you've had a fight, or even if he hasn't had sex in a while; men need time to go into their caves and think. Just like going to the well for an answer to give you, this time alone helps him recharge, sort through his emotions (yes, they have them too) and come back to you when he's ready to give you the focus he knows you need from him. Sometimes men aren't the best at expressing when they need this cave time, however, so you sort of need to pay attention to the cues. 


5. MAGIC WORDS
I went to a workshop last year in Austin called, Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women. It was a truly enlightening experience. One of the BEST things I learned there was that there are certain words that will light up any man's face. Not just useful for your partner, but great for brothers, fathers, uncles or any other special man in your life. 
             
 1. Happy - A man loves to hear that he's made you happy. So say it and make sure he knows!
 2. Provider - Tell him what a great provider he is and watch the smile magically appear.
 3. Hero - You're my hero! Telling a man he's your hero is the ultimate confidence booster.
 4. Help - Men love solutions. Let him know his help makes you happy and he'll jump right on it.
 5. Protect - Feeling masculine is so important to their well being. Allow him to protect you. 
 6. Blow Job - This pretty much speaks for itself. What man wouldn't perk up to those words?
 7. Proud - Let him know how proud you are of him and his achievements. Butter in your hands.
 8. Smart - Even if you know the answer, validate him and let him give it. So smart, you are!
 9. Handsome - Duh. No brainer here. We like to feel beautiful, so do they.
10. Masculine - Any time he's reminded that he's a manly man is a good day in his book. 

So there you have it. Just a few things I've learned through the fight to keep my marriage healthy. Again, I'm not claiming to be an expert or to have all of the answers by any means. I just know that this stuff works for me and I've seen it work for other people I care about, too. So go ahead, give your man a pick-me-up and watch how his love for you grows....among other things. When this happens, refer to magic word number 6 :)